Half Asleep

When I write, I write tons of stuff all at once. Sometimes I'm absent for quite a while. If that's likely to bother you, don't bother adding me.

Please don't have a pity party for yourself in my journal. That is what your journal is for.

Before you add me, please read this

I just finished this one.

I think it's my favorite.

I found this book.  It's called "The Book of Good Cheer." The subtitle is "A Little Bundle of Cheery Thoughts" and it's edited by some guy named Edwin Osgood Grover.  It's small and the paper is cheerfully yellowed, and there's a cheery little basket of orange flowers illustrated on the title page.  The thing is, it's a "wealth of wisdon and good cheer, gathered from all countries and all times" that was published by the Algonquin Publishing Company in 1913.  

 

And I've read through it several times, and I feel no cheerier, no better.  

 

One of the quips included says that what we see depends mainly on what we look for.  

 

Though I'm often tired of feeling like I see the worst in people, I find that when I try to see the good in them, I feel lousier about it still.  

 

For example, a woman in my Human Development class said of her students last week, that she always gets "a class of morons." I yelled at her.  I yelled at her in class, and I said that I found it horrifying that she was a teacher and had that shitty of an attitude toward the young people who depend on her to teach them.  She had an equally horrible opinion of me, but I found solace in that.  I felt good knowing that, in her ignorance, she didn't understand what I was talking about because it was that ignorance that separated us, that gave my anger validity.  She couldn't see how self-perpetuating it was for a stupid person to treat an entire group of children as if they were, in turn, stupid themselves.  That's what's wrong with public education.  It's why I know that I will never be a career teacher, why I know that I could never live with having people like her as colleagues.  I can't think of a worse place to be than a teacher's lounge, and yet I'm getting a teaching license so that I can pay some student loans and get my finances straight.  I know I'll be a good teacher, but I know that I won't last long at it.  A few years, maybe, at most, and then I'll be frustrated enough to direct my aspirations elsewhere, where they should be directed presently, except that this in-between time is necessary.  It's necessary so that I can get there.  The getting there is important.  

 

I often feel like a monster in a girl suit.  Embracing that inner-monster, I'll put the book of good cheer on the shelf, and I'll turn to something one of my best and favorite friends said earlier this evening.

 

"Sometimes, it's kind of fun to be a nasty grown-up." 

 

Yes.  It is.   

 OK.  I understand that most of what we (we=people, not we=me) do is socially scripted behavior.  But it's cold outside.  It's been down in the Ohs and Belows for a few days, and even though it's warming up, that's all relative when it's 4 or 10 or something outside. 

So what's with people?  They come in.  They stay for a little while.  And then they decide they better get going.  So instead of saying something like, "I've got to get going" or "see you later" and then leaving, they think that it's a better idea to open the door and stand in the open doorway for 5 or 10 minutes.  And then walk out the door, but keep their head inside.  All the while, they're finishing/beginning/continuing a conversation that would otherwise indicate that no, they are not ready to leave. 

And it's not a winter-related thing, either.  In the summer, they do the same thing, but it's not as offensive.  I mean, when they let hot air in, it's a little bit bad, but when they let Jack Frost & Friends come in, I get more than slightly angry. 

Moral:  When I have to put my gloves on to type at my computer, it's too cold to have the door open while you run your mouth.

Tomorrow: Chapbooks, Plain Spoke, Clearing my desk for the new year. Tonight: Sleep.

So my nephew, who is three, comes up to me and says, "Ninny? Ninny Bitchy Power, Bitchy Power. It's in his whisper-whine voice, and I have no idea, obviously, what Bitchy Power is.

Lots of things cross my mind, but none of them make sense. Is it some kind of new cartoon? Some kind of weird superhero power? Austin Powers' niece? I have no idea.

At times it sounds as if he's saying powDer, but no, that's not right. I ask him to repeat it.

Me: What did you say?
Drake: you say
Me: No, what did you ask me?
Drake: Ninny.
Me: Yes?
Drake: Bitchy Power. Peeeeeeeez? (This one I know. It's supposed to be "Please."
Me: What is Bitchy Power?
Drake: Ninny shing ut?

OK Now I know it's supposed to be a song. However, I'm still laughing about his rendition of Lip Gloss from a couple weeks ago, and I have no idea what Bitchy Power could be.

Me: No, you sing it.
Drake: Bitchy bitchy Powder up waa-erpot.....

Itsy Bitsy Spider. I had no idea. I guess I'd better start keeping a list of songs kids sing and when I can't figure out what he's talking about, I could try to match it up or something.

Otherwise, I'm wondering why my nephew's all running around like "Power to the Bitches!" or something.

Not good.

I just joined Thrive (justthrive.com) because they promised me they would help me watch my money grow.

After adding my bank account and other info, this is what they told me:

1. I can afford a home worth 72,280.

2. I can retire with $0/year.

3. I can survive without an income for 0 days.

My financial health is 2.8 out of 10.

Which of those three things does not make sense? I have no idea how I could afford a house payment right now, even on a 70-thousand-dollar house. Argh.

For everything I scratch off my to-do list, a bunch of other things jump on it.

My friend George is opening a business. It's going to be called the Salt Kettle Gallery. He's going to have a florist/gift shop/art gallery. We've been planning for months how we're going to make this paper mache kettle because nobody actually has a kettle anymore. This becomes more important later in the story.

There used to be these people who lived in this ancient old red house on a really curvy turn on the way to Carrollton.

Once, I saw an old steamer trunk sitting out by their garbage, and I stopped and asked the woman who lived there if I could buy it from her. She gave it to me for free. My friend Shaun fixed it up a little, and then I used it for a display at my shows. Eventually, I sold it to my cousin for $40, who thought that was a steal, and she got it refurbished. It's probably worth several hundred at this point.

Another time I stopped there, I got a pile of old dishes. I found my favorite spoon there (some old silver thing with a star on the handle) and I've picked up odds and ends now and again that have proved useful, valuable, or just plain odd and interesting.

A few months ago, they moved. They had a sale, and my mom went to it and got an antique metal bed and some old, old lighting fixtures and crates.

I was sad, because My Favorite Junk House wasn't going to be a Junk House anymore.

However. Some new people moved in the house.

I stopped in Bonnie's, the antique store in town that's only open from Easter to Halloween, and I asked her to look for old jars for me so I can make lights from them. She said she would.

She also said that she knew some people who were trying to sell her some jars like the ones that I wanted. I told her to send them on up to the shop.

So I was sitting here the other day, and these people pulled in the parking lot in a mini-van stuffed full of stuff. The woman came in and she said she was looking for Cindy. She said that Bonnie had sent her up here, and that she'd talked to my mom the day before, and they were here to pick up the carpet. (There was this big roll of carpeting on our porch that we were going to use in the candle room at one time and then decided against it, so it was waiting on someone with a truck to take it to the dump). I was all for someone taking the carpet, so I walked outside to where her daughter was waiting. The girl was around eleven years old and she asked me if I was in the band. I said, "what band?"

She said, "The band. I play the clarinet."

I said, "I can play the clarinet, but no, I'm not in the band."

She looked at me funny, like she was disappointed, and started picking her cold sore.

Her mother was still talking about the carpet. Then she said she had glass jars for me to look at. They were in boxes in the mini-van. I chose some, and she said she had to take them home and clean them before I could have them, and also decide on a price.

At this point her boyfriend/husband (he looks much younger than she does, and at first I wasn't certain that he wasn't her son) is finished packing the huge roll of carpet into the back of the van. He had a big rigmarole getting it in there, and I was surprised the hatch closed. But it did. Small miracles.

Then he says to me, "Do you think you might be interested in a big black pot like you stir a witch's brew in?"

I said, "a what?"

And he said, "A pot, like yea high, with three legs, about three inches long apiece on the bottom. Like a witch would have. Like a cauldron."

I tried to swallow my excitement at the thought of not having to paper mache one. I didn't say, "Oh my gosh a kettle blah blah blah."

I did say, "Maybe. I have a friend who might be interested in it. I'll have to get back with you."

They just stopped again today, about 15 minutes ago, and we settled on $1 each for the small jars and $2 to $3 for the large ones.

Then he started with the cauldron. I think he thinks that it's high-dollar cauldron time because it's Halloween. I've talked to George about it since the first mention of it, and he said he wanted it definitely. So when Jessy (that's the guy's name with the "Cauldron") said, "Do you think it's worth $30? It's really nice and all" I just about jumped out of my shoes with joy.

They were talking about "thanks for the carpet" and "we really needed it for our new house" so I asked the question.

"Where is your new house?"

And they said, "It's a big old red house up halfway to Harlem Springs on the way to Carrollton. It's on the left. You can't miss it."

My Favorite Junk House is now doing DELIVERIES!

“It wasn’t like The Breakfast Club, it was like high school.”
— Dawn Hill, character in Cold Case’s “Detention” episode.

1. I've been elected president of a booster organization that supports my alma mater's drama club. To get the year started off in a positive way, I've got a few things to do. First, I've taken on the responsibility of taking care of some customer service issues with Samuel French. Then I've got to make an appointment to go in to the school and meet with the principal about a fundraiser we are planning so that I can ask permission to use the school.

2. Gob Pile Chapbook Series. The guts are almost edited and ready to print. I've got to send proof copies out to the poets, collect stuff from my two editors, get the artwork finalized, get rights to use an image of a Penobscot indian man, and plan the Chapbook release soiree in November. Which happens to be on my birthday. Whee.

3. Plain Spoke. Volume 2 Issue 3 is due out within the next two weeks. Gotta get moving on that. It's ready to print, but I've got paperwork to do and the actual production to get done.

4. Home work. I adore my phonics class. If all the grad classes were this fascinating, grad school would be Great Fun. However, most of it is really dull, and confirms my suspicions that public education is a joke. I don't know how I ever survived it.

5. Art. I still have to get ready for my three big shows this fall. I have very very little finished.
6. Hope that I get some me-time during xmas break.

Confucius said, "Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves." Too bad I'm no good with a shovel.

My brother uses more laundry detergent than anyone else in the Western Hemisphere.

It's a mystery.

Today is not one of those times, nor is Anthony Pallilo and his new book one of those things. I don't even know how this spam finds its way to me. Jeez.

If anyone can explain why this guy thought I might want to read his book (or why anyone would want to read his book), please do share.

Back to work now.

Loving my to-do list, being a mile long, and having a million things on it for blowing off.

I haven't written anything of any substance in months. A few nights ago, I wrote a poem about belonging that described my Great Aunt Mary and my grandmother's ritual of playing solitaire while drying their pin-curls with setting solution under those whole-head hot-as-hell hair dryers, but it didn't do what I wanted it to do, and so it went in the pile of things I need to edit.

I wrote something recently about coal-miners and faith, but it fell short of amazing, and when I write things that have Big Ideas, they have to be amazing or else they just don't have that sparkle. So that went in the pile of things that have good elements that just don't seem to work together. Those things become 2 or more poems eventually, or they just gather intellectual dust.

I need to paint again. Everything is just so big a mess, and I need to get all my stuff de-cluttered so I can have the chapbook release party in the classroom in November. I know it's like "That's not until November," but I kind of see it as "Oh my goodness I only have 54 days!"

I think I've got those Golightly Mean Reds.

Worse than the Blues, If I had her money I'd be richer than she is, $5 for the powder room Mean ole Reds.

Plus, I'm thirsty right now, and that doesn't help my mood.

Now I'm going to get back to working on the chapbooks. And on Plain Spoke. They're all melting into one big pile of publishing at the moment, but I'll sort it out.

Looking for Penobscot Indian pictures.

Going to Pittsburgh tonight.

Going to buy paper in the morning.

I have my computer class this evening. Last week, we did hokey worksheets in which we labeled the monitor, keyboard, and other input and output devices and computer components. We had all week to finish these things. I feel a little bit dumb after having done them, as if there's a trick somewhere that I'm missing, or some obvious "haha - gotya" april fool's day early thing.

But there isn't. It's just that ridiculous. I should scan them in and make fun of them, but that would mean wasting even more time on it.

Today, for homework, I'm supposed to go online and find my dream computer and print out its specifications.

I can't wait to see what the midterm looks like.